I am complicated

I am a very complicated person...and i am sure this is a statement which everyone will agree to....all those who know me i mean.

Mrs. Mridula Chatterjee, a lady with whom i have fought, laughed and have spent many memorable moments....was a very criticised lady by one and all...and at the end of her life, she seemed to laugh it all off...she only told me that she had lived life according to her principles..often that had become a problem, for all those around her. She used to tell me that I was a lot like her, especially when i stepped out of being a child. I often didnt understand, why she re-iterated the fact like that...now with a few greys sneaking into my hairline, I think I understand my highly misunderstood paternal grandmom.

Yes, I am complicated..but thats who I am...I like being fiercely independent...letting go of my independence is not something which goes well with me..Yet I have often made the mistake in my life, of throwing out my own independence for what i had thought would get me and those around me some happiness...But the question is, what exactly is happiness..Is it that feeling which one gets after laying their hands on that shinny new dress, or buying that coveted pair of shoes, is it that feeling which u get of a sack session...is it the feeling which stems in your heart when your beloved pet dog or cat looks at you with droopy melting eyes, is it catching the best of times with your best friends over a whole lot of intoxication and friendly banter, is it quality time with your mom and dad and bro, after everyone has had a hectic week..well, maybe I do not know how to be happy...maybe thats where my complications starts.

Everyone regrets from the mistakes they make in life..even I do..except for the fact that I regret and crib over the mistakes and land up committing the same mistake..I had left my plush job at a well known national channel, when my then boyfriend lost his father back in Kolkata, and I was not getting leave to stand by him. I did that and felt happy..ultimately I saw that it wasnt worth it..I told myself, that never will I sacrifice my career, for a guy anymore..I had convinced myself...But I did the same thing again. gave up everything that I had worked so hard for...my career my hard work..for getting married...but a girl like me, with myriad complications is not at all good with relationships...and now I have same regret that I had way back in 2007.

Theres nothing wrong with the men I land up with..the fault lies with me...I dont know what my expectations are, and maybe thats the reason why I land up in more messes than I can handle...Now I realise why I am almost becoming a carbon copy of Mrs. Mridula Chatterjee... and maybe overstepping her at times.. But thats me...!!!! The problem lies in the saying " opposites attract," I have always found that statement to be attractive..but I always forgot about the second part of the statement "similars stay!!" So nothing wrong in all the men I have shared my life with..The fault lies with me..I always kept the "similars" just as friends, and bedded the "
"Opposites."The complicated me.

Heres a congratulatory note and a Thank You to all the men who have at any one pint of time, been the "Opposites," in my life..thank you for tolerating me and spending your precious time with me...but guys I am not worthy of your goodness...because I am complicated!!!!! Maybe its better that i be solitary..happy with my numerous dogs and cats , happy with my maternal brood, who will probably never throw me out...I think I should stop spoiling the life of men from now on..I am just not fit for relationships and its time I realised that..I have no right to spoil any more lives...!!!!!